This post was originally intended for the commercially-driven February season of Valentine roses, chocolate and loving expressions of intimacy. But just like the alterations to that problematic celebration (Galentine’s Day and International Quirkyalone Day to name a couple) writing about intimacy in older adulthood just kept feeling too nuanced to fit within the clichéd month of love. So here we are in March, accepting that the turbulence that marks the changing of seasons may also need to shake up some ideas about our topic.
It isn’t just love, after all, or sex or romance that deserve attention in considering intimacy in later life. Sexuality in later life seems to command quite a bit of attention both in social media and academic research, running the gamut from Pinterest pages to abundant clinical advice available from renowned healthcare entities. Some of the latter advice actually deviates from the purely clinical to assurances that experiences of sexual activity in later life can in some cases be better than that of younger days, and that the choice not to engage sexually is just as valid as the opposite. Good to know, but what about all the gray (pun intended) areas in between? Especially in this past physically-distanced year, common expressions of intimacy – holding hands, hugging, stroking hair- have morphed into touching a face on a screen, pressing palm-to-palm through acrylic barriers, and exchanging knowing glances in virtual encounters. Intimacy penetrates these obstacles, urging connection even in the context of risk.
So how do we consider intimacy inclusive of, but extending far beyond, sex? And why focus on intimacy in later adulthood as something extraordinary, something that warrants attention in ways distinct from considerations of younger love, friendship and affection? wAGING change has in the past offered thoughts about caring and about accumulation of experience; both of these concepts factor into the particulars of later life intimacy. Amanda A. Barusch, professor emerita at the University of Utah, reflects on the pervasiveness of both ageism and naiveté in considerations of intimacy in later life in a 2012 essay for the Journal of Aging Life Care. In it, she points to the tendency to focus on sexual activity – its possibilities, challenges, and frequency – in later life, meanwhile giving short shrift to the multitude of ways in which affection, infatuation, romantic love, friendship and commitment evolve over a lifetime.
We see in later life people who have been in long-term marriages living together but emotionally apart, people who have newly discovered one another living apart but essentially together. We see human beings with long-established intimate bonds as well as those for whom family and institutions curtail budding relationships. We see people who expand their realm of romantic attraction to others of the same or opposite sex, and those who opt to embrace being alone after decades of being partnered. And we see people for whom the affection of friendship is sufficiently sustaining. Fundamental to all of these configurations is connection, caring, intimacy. Intimacy at times for a fleeting moment, at times for a brief interlude, at times with the hope of sustained connection.
In later life, perhaps we respond to the form and dimension of intimacy based on what we have known before, and what we need at this time. Our past elations, disappointments, triumphs and wounds all influence how we perceive and act on intimate possibilities. And maybe, just maybe, we act because we grasp living in a way that our younger selves could not, seeking what the poet Kahlil Gibran described as
“… a oneness between us that when one weeps, the other tastes salt.”
May the turbulence of the month of March stir up some intimate possibilities.
©2021 JLWomack, Professor Division of Occupational Science and Occupational Therapy UNC-Chapel Hill
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